"The same feeling of not belonging, of futility, wherever I go: I pretend interest in what matters nothing to me, I bestir myself mechanically or out of charity, without ever being caught up, without ever being somewhere. What attracts me is elsewhere, and I don't know where that elsewhere is."
To nobodies surprise, I am a misanthrope. But my "form" of misanthropy changes quite often. Most of the time it's just "disappointment", I see humanities achievements and when contrasted with it's current state I am left dissapointed knowing mankind can do better. Some day's it's much more heated and I just wish for the human race to vanish entirely. But recently I have developed a 3rd form of misanthropy I have never experienced. I am now “bored” with humans. I am bored with our creations, I am bored with our cultures, I am bored with our behaviors. This is not necessarily to say I am above it all but rather that I am on it’s level but it no longer impacts or matters to me in any way. This is different from “Anhedonia” in that I can still feel joy and a lot of things can and do bring me joy. While writing this I am listening to a song that I like, and before this, I ate a meal that tasted excellent and made me happy. I saw a meme that made me laugh earlier today. Is that hypocrisy? Yes, it is. How can I be “bored” yet partake in several activities that bring me joy? That’s the thing, I can’t explain this. I see discussions on great works of art (anime, video games, music, films, etc.) and I just don’t care nor do I want to know more. Does that mean I hate art or those mediums? Not at all. But I think it’s moreso that the expectations and “hype” never seems to match the actual works themselves. And when I deal with people, I grow bored with them, I begin to analyze their behavioral patterns, imagine them in funny situations, think of hypothetical’s, but ultimately I realize it doesn’t mean anything and won’t impact anything. The brief entertainment offered by these trains of thoughts is never enough to satisfy me.
Worst of all, being in so many groups and communities over the years, some good some bad, I notice so many patterns and hierarchies that they enforce, some harsher than others. They always end up looping around to the same discussions (albeit with different subjects) and no conclusion is reached. There is no desire to learn, there is no desire to grow, there is no desire to find and capture the unknown. Instead, there is only a desire to be right and enforce the status quo. Even if I agree with it, I find it boring in a way as all it creates is stagnation. People in my own subcultures and “scenes” just end up feeling like my enemies as all they do is care more about the image of their scenes and respecting a “pantheon” of said scene rather than defying it and entering unknown territory. So-called creative communities and those dedicated to art are, ironically, the ones that enforce this the most.
I know I am not the first human being to experience this, hell my post literally started with a quote from Emil Cioran, one of my favorite philosophers, to illustrate that point. The problem is, even if I am not the first to feel this way and there are others who feel like this, why can I still not relate to or fit in with anyone? What do I do when I am an outcast among the outcasts? Does that make me a failure of a human? I don’t believe so, I can and do have personal relationships with people that are successful, on both platonic and romantic levels. You could probably tell but I have been alone for a large majority of my life and only VERY recently has there been something to change that. Regardless, I feel as if that even among other “outcasts” that I have almost nothing in common with them outside of a lack of socialization and strange interests but those are so broad and applicable to so many people that it would make as much sense as me trying to befriend a farmer solely based on the fact that I like drinking milk and eating fruits.
Many people don’t like this idea yet I have always been fascinated by it, and that is the “curse of consciousness” the idea that humanities distinguishing feature from the rest of life on earth, our own sentience, is a curse rather than a gift. I’m very split on this idea, but in this moment I feel as if it is a curse in some way. I shouldn’t know myself this well. If only I were more animalistic, if only I simply settled in with a herd, no matter how big or small, and accepted doing what I must to survive in said herd. If only we had adhered to nature and simply lived as upright monkeys… but what is the use in complaining about something that happened long before our first civilizations were formed? But on the other end, maybe knowledge and sentience are not plagues but tools, so versatile in nature that it scares many people including myself. The fact that I can think of myself in this way is impressive, many people are afraid to do so and I can see why, it can and will drive you to the brink of despair and even if you survive you will never be the same which is something I say from experience.
All I am left with is a feeling of dissatisfaction with my situation and the fact that I know there is no true escape, even after I escape a “boring” community, I know I will have no choice but to encounter yet another “boring” one at another point in the time in the future, with no hope of finding one that can sufficiently entertain or enrich me.
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